I am a person who thrives on order, structure and routines. I work hard to be organized and, though I have actively worked on becoming more flexible over the past decade, it is still not easy for me when things do not go as I have carefully planned them. So I have struggled in the past couple of weeks as my life, like all of yours, headed down a completely new and unexpected path of school closures and social distancing. But I have also discovered something fascinating - that is, that I have embraced preparing for Passover.
Most years I feel overwhelmed by Passover preparations, stressed about how I can get all of that done while still working all my usual hours. This year, though, it is the routine, and the familiar rhythm, of those preparations that are bringing me a feeling of safety and security during a time that might otherwise feel chaotic and unmanageable.
I imagine that many of you, and maybe your children, are experiencing your lives as chaotic and unpredictable as you adjust to school being closed and many of you working from home (or attempting to work anyway). At times like these it is especially important to establish clear schedules and routines. As Becky Bailey says, “the brain is pattern seeking.” We feel safer when we can detect the patterns in our lives.
A clear schedule would outline the main components of your day and the order in which they happen. The routines would break down each of the components into the 3-5 key steps that your child has to follow to complete it. For example, your schedule might outline the day’s meals and snacks, the blocks of time for schoolwork, and play and bedtime.
Schedules and routines are generally most successful if they incorporate several elements. One, is that you devise a schedule that works for your individual family, and for each of the members of your family. Another is having your children contribute to the creation of the schedule so they feel some control over their day. When you break the components of the schedule down into the “routines” of the day, try to incorporate pictures so your children can easily see what the steps they are supposed to take are. Conscious Discipline discusses the importance of a M.A.P. for establishing schedules and routines. That is, to Model what your children are supposed to do, Add pictures and then, most importantly, Practice with them to make sure they know how to successfully complete their tasks.
As you think about schedules and routines, make sure you are also building in time for connection and being playful WITH your children. In the end, it is the social-emotional connection combined with a semi-predictable day, that is going to provide the greatest degree of comfort and security for all of you.
This brings me to the importance of ritual in our lives and in our family’s life. A ritual is similar to a routine in that it is something which we do in the same way, at the same time, each time we perform it. What makes rituals different than routines, however, is they have an added element of connection, unity and togetherness. A ritual takes what could just be an emotionless routine and invests it with meaning and greater purpose. As I think about Passover this year, despite the fact that nobody other than my nuclear family will be physically around the table, I anticipate feeling emotionally connected to my larger family as I plan to cook all the same foods as usual, and we will conduct our seder with all the usual family rituals. I recall the internal monologue I conducted with myself, standing in front of the meat counter recently: “Maybe it is silly to buy a brisket this year - only 2 of us will even eat it, why do we need it?” “But this is what the Seder dinner has tasted like for the past 56 years of my life and when I eat it I will have my whole family with me in that culinary experience.” I bought the brisket (albeit the smallest piece I could find)!
I encourage each of you to think about continuing rituals you grew up with, or new ones you will create this year for this COVID-19 time that will allow you to invest each day with connection and unity and fill your home with a sense of safety and security.
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